Friday humor

Friday humor

Yeah, it's early, but I'm on a roll tonight ...

She is obviously a Democrat and recognized him as a Republican...

Friday humor

Thaddeus McCotter and how to "Speak Democrat".

Friday humor

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Friday humor

I don't think I've ever seen it illustrated so well...

Friday humor

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Friday humor

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today

Friday humor

Pay me a compliment

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. You need to pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He never heard the shot..

Bumper sticker

Seen on the way home from work tonight:

"Black Holes - When God divides by zero"

Friday humor

Writers block

I'm once again trying to get something up on the blog, but I'm somewhat sidetracked. Yes, the researching is actually part of the fun of blogging, but doesn't help with giving the reader something to read. While I get me a rum and coke, I'll go ahead and stick this up for the entertainment value. Some of you probably remember it, but I think you need to see it again.

Hope that tides you over until I dig up a proper blog. I've raided the rum locker though, so I might be sidetracked for some time...

And, raiding the rum locker and typing later on might become a problem...

Friday humor

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident..... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Friday humor

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had.

The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle"

Friday humor

The new Terrorist Catch and Release program:

US Navy Releases Terrorist

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea .
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

Friday humor

Bear Alert

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Bend, Crescent, and LaPine area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Couple of quick hitters

# 1 - This may surprise you, but I'm actually for expanding the S-CHIP program. Yep, I think all of your kids should have one implanted. That way, when some high school type prank happens down at the 7-eleven, we can just go online and see which of your kids was in the area...

# 2 - Hillary Clinton's campaign aides are stating that, after just serving 7 years in an elected office, she's accumulated 35 years experience. For some reason, while I wouldn't have been all that shocked if she broke a law somewhere/sometime, I didn't figure it would be the laws of physics...

A little Friday humor

10 minutes of humor

If you have the spare ten minutes, I ran across this at Op For called Video Of The Day: Achmed The Dead Terrorist

I've watched it three times and I'm still chuckling...

Note to Daughter

Hey kid, I might not be blogging that much next week. Don't be concerned. The dog needs a servant. Apparently, his normal servants are taking off for a week. I'll be waiting on him hand and foot all week. I'll probably get online some, as he wears himself out bossing me around and falls asleep in the recliner from time to time, but if I don't blog much, don't be concerned.

I'm certainly looking forward to that six A.M. dog, standing on the bed, staring me down because some muscle moved the slightest bit and he thinks that means that I'm ready to get up and start waiting on his every need...

Dad

Man gets off a cargo ship...

...in, oh say, Pakistan... walks down the dock and gets into an awaiting car. The car drives off through the city. Days later, you see the same guy getting out of the car and meeting up with another guy who hands him the reigns to a camel. He travels for days, staying in friendly villages each night. Slowly, he begins to make his way into the foothills of the mountainous terrain. The weather is not as hot now, as he continues his trek. He finally has to abandon the camel and go on foot as the trial has gotten narrow and steep. A couple of nights sleeping under the stars and he knows he's getting close to his destination. A few days later, he hands Osama Bin Ladin that so highly regarded package....

"Praise Allah" as Osama opens up the box that contains the DVD "Inconvenient Truth".....


Hey, maybe we're better at this propaganda war than I thought we were...